An Open Letter to Dan Reynolds

From Forbes.com

1 pic.twitter.com/QdnnkryRI9— Dan Reynolds (@DanReynolds) February 28, 2019

Part one of what should have been one part

2 pic.twitter.com/KBPKeGjKIW— Dan Reynolds (@DanReynolds) February 28, 2019

Part two of crybaby sadness.

Dear Dan,

Buddy. Sit down.

I need to be up front and say I only JUST learned what your name was. But that’s besides the point.

I’m writing to you today to say that the letter you posted to your twitter (in two separate tweets mind you. you can post more than one image per tweet my guy.) is some of the whiniest, nonsensical grumbling from a millionaire music maker and is extremely unbecoming. I would argue that it absolutely provides more than enough evidence that we, as the music listening community, absolutely should continue to make fun of your music, and you.

Can you imagine if flippin’ Chris Martin from god damn COLD PLAY wrote a letter asking people to stop making fun of him and his band? Their music hasnt been great (some would say ever) since A Rush of Blood to the Head, but he still makes it, and he makes millions of dollars. Because he knows that he has ascended. His music will play on Light Radio forever and ever and him, his Goop lovin’ ex-wife and grocery store named children will never have to work again in their lives. Who cares if people dont like his band? All the money he’s made proves to him that he clearly doesnt need to care.

This idea that you worry about your kids being made fun of for their dad being in “Illicit Dongdiddle” is total horse shit. Thats some narcissistic nonsense. You dont give a shit about your kids, or other kids, you just feel bad that you make radio friendly ear candy and that people dunk on you for it – and we absolutely should.

Maybe your band will be like RHCP. A band that everyone has a phase with and should rightfully grow out of. I look back at my RHCP year (one) fondly as a place marker for how far I’ve come in understanding what good music is. To have your band “Iceberg Ditchminers” come close enough to be seen from the shoulder of that “road to music discovery” is a high honor, and maybe your rock-electro-fusion will be that. You’ll be lucky if people can, years on in their lives, look back at your music with a mix of pity and whimsy. They could think to themselves, “Wow I really loved that band. I was so stupid back then.” I would think it’s be better to be mile 1 in a marathon than the toilet you use right before you start the race.

But no, here you are complaining because your radio friendly pop garbage is being made fun of by other bands out there. And now you have sycophants in your twitter mentions clamoring all over themselves to let you know How Much They Care.

You want my advice? You want to prove you deserve to stand with your heroes in the halls of High Hrothgar? Then make a fucking solo album under a different name and see how it does.

OR

Shut up and keep playing. You will continue to make money off your music in quantities I can only dream about. You are never ever going anywhere dude. Unless you say something stupidly racist or sexist. But you and your music are way too safe to ever be caught on the wrong side of anything. I’m shocked that you believed a public announcement of your sadness and depression over other bands comments was somehow a good idea. Do you want to be the person who is just “tolerated” at parties because they know you’re too sensitive to take a joke or any shade of criticism? That is a hell-world full of delusions and is something worse than death.

Climb back aboard your “Dagrons” Dan Reynolds. You’ve made your music and you’ve made your millions, now make peace with yourself.

Sincerely,

Colin

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